change is happening every second
sadness and happiness are merely a state
peel away the sadness
for day will always follow night
A brand new chapter of my life as Mrs. Chan has made me, joanne khoo, sort of absent. I kind of disappeared but not exactly vanished. I just played wife so comfortably well.
Since tying the knot, Stevie and I progressed from our nomadic lives to happy settlers. Although it took us longer than expected, a year was way too long for a small apartment to be renovated.
I am totally in love with HOME, a spacious abode carefully designed by my talented hubby. Visit us and you shall want a place similar as your own. Big in hospitality and small in maintenance.
Met many strangers and made many of them my best friends and family. We meet everyday on timeline on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. Occasionally, a drink, a nature hike or an adventure holiday with them. Life is great to be among cheerful company. Even greater when many confided because of the trust we had built over time. Never a stale moment.
Searching for sense in sensibilities, strength in adversity.
A reasonable woman undergoing an ugly subject, menopause.
Work has also consumed me much. Much, much reorganizing the chaos built over the years’ of hurried growth. I shall endeavor it this time around in a better way.
In the middle of all these God’s grace, there lies a giant H easel stand, many brushes, some paints and a few other larger canvases prepared by hubby for me to fulfill my dream to complete my long yearned dream …. completing a masterpiece, my masterpiece.
How can I say no to painting colours into my life again?
Having been alone the last 15 years, you can try to imagine my state of insecurity. Try harder.
I was self inflict with paranoia, distrust and delusional.
Cranking and chanting, he loves me, he loves me not.
Obsessed, I made him promised a million things, and this one thing in particular
Each and everyone of them. No matter how small the flickering lights on a dampened wicker.
Call me possessive, call me nuts. Delete all skype, mobile and email contacts. numbers from his little naughty black book be erased.
I left him no chance. Made him assure me that nothing and no one is gonna come between us.
BUT, my Stevie sighed a big CANNOT.
Desperate I was to be hitched, I hide my disgust and gave him my broadest mechanical smile and asked, ” But why?”.
He pleaded impossibility.
The truth be known.
I have to share everything with Miss M, his favourite niece, a little kiddo.
This is a special one that I must promise to allow to come in between us.
Someone that he would treat best first, before me. I must allow him to address her as affectionately as “baby”, endearment, I thought should be exclusive for me as girlfriend and then as wife.
Never mind that; I thought, Margaux was no competition. She is only a kid, for god’s sake, Joanne.
Moreover, he promised that Margaux will be his little baby and I am the grand one.
We went through many embarrassing moments, whenever he mentioned “BABY” and we had to decide, whom was he addressing.
Those days, it was so hilarious when Margaux wanted to sleep in between us. Especially, when she won in pleading hubby to stay over with her and poor me had to drive home and sleep alone. I rarely win here, I walk over. For heaven’s sake, Margaux is just a sweet little kid.
After 2 years, Margaux and I have become the best of friends. We know how to adjust and be happy; that’s when Stevie gets to sleep in the middle, sandwich between us.
Of course, quietly, tuck underneath his pillow he has his current beau.
His new baby, a black berry.
It is Qing Ming season.
Noticed this beautiful moth sitting quietly on the kitchen wall.
Warned not to kill or shoo it away, way back when I was even a kid.
I have been made to believe, these moths are our relatives who have passed on.
They are visitors.
Do we really come back?
Qing Ming by Du Mu
It drizzles endless during the rainy season in spring,
Travelers along the road look gloomy and miserable.
When I ask a shepherd boy where I can find a tavern,
He points at a distant hamlet nestling amidst apricot blossoms.
I want to celebrate life.
To have spent my time and hard-earned money on travel, basic amenities of comfort and a little to spare for emergencies.
Sickness? I have my insurance to deal with it.
Retirement? I don’t know if I could live beyond that. If I do, hopefully I should live long enough to spend all my money inside the Employee Provident Fund.
I feel sad with the way people handle death. Whoever’s idea for elaborate burials?
See no need to get myself a majestic tombstone. Nor a budget columbarium.
Why let people profit from my death?
I have decided and agreed with my siblings to cremate me. No need for storage in a beautiful ceramic urn. Keep it simple and no stress for loved ones.
Toss me into a river.
When I am dead, remember me everyday for the time we had spent together. Remember how I had meant much to have made our lives beautiful. Remember me whenever you miss me.
Travel not a day in a year just to catch glimpses of my past.
When I am dead, let me be gone.
All memories of me stay, everyday in every way!
Four red dragonflies, circling the tempting pool this morning.
Our mind is like a pool.
An ocean of randomness.
At times, they bear recurring patterns.
Sometimes, haunting and daunting.
Sometimes, happy and pleasant.
Sometimes, empty and meaningless.
Most times, they are in a state of their own.
Every time, they are mine.
Each, a landscape of my mind.
i think god is funny
there are 2 alexes in my life
both in the past tense now
the first Alex
a guy i’d wanted to marry
and madly in love
the second Alex
a guy i wasn’t too sure about marrying
and i did but parted
i think god is funny
there are 2 steves in my life
both are his gifts
the first a Steven
my puppy love
first guy i dated
the second a Stevie
my loving husband
last guy who makes me loved
I was shocked when walter sent me a DM 2 weeks ago, sharing the news that Karen has cancer. She would be the first friend i know to have it.
Today is her 25th day fighting cancer.
On the 1st day of discovery, a big part of her liver has been attacked. The doctor gave her 6 months to live.
On the 19th day, a biopsy report showed the cancer is spread from her colon upwards to her liver. Immediate chemotherapy and surgery is advised.
She has come open with her cancer. Posting out to friends on her fight and educating us on almost a daily account on her Facebook account. I salute her calmness and collectedness facade, underneath I am sure she has her worries and doubts. Her husband and her 2 beautiful kids.
Advice come pouring in and she is in a deadlock with no answers. The clock is ticking.
I grow up understanding that cancer does not discriminate. To date, she has taken many of my relatives away and spared an aunty.
At 9 years old, I barely knew how deadly cancer was. My first aunty found a lump on my late little cousin, Siew Luan’s thigh. Siew Luan was a fighter, she consoled her mom to be grateful that she only needed to amputate the bad leg. She was happy limping and playing hide and seek with us. She was grateful to be alive. But not for long. soon there were more tumours spreading all over her body. She was blinded when those cancer went up her head.
My third uncle died having throat cancer and 40 years later his daughter, my cousin sister died of womb cancer.
My little nephew died after a kidney transplant and a cousin’s husband passed away last year, 3 month’s after discovering he had throat cancer. He had been smoking for 30 years.
My third aunty was diagnosed with cervical cancer and she survived 19 years on.
Many fought and few survived.
Is Karen going to die?
I pray she is as lucky as my aunty. God bless.